Dear Rylee,
Friday we brought you home. Daddy and I had dreamed of this day for over a year now, dreamed of having you in the back of our car in the car seat we bought back in May. In may when our lives were so incredible happy when we knew you were coming when we got to tell you grandparents and great grandparents of you. You were so greatly loved and longed for. But Friday was not the day we dreamed it would be we didn't get to see your sweet face or have your fur siblings give you kisses or hear your sweet crys and laughter fill the house we bought for you to grow up in. No today we only got to bring your ashes home. You were such a big beautiful baby nearly a ten pounder and surly you would have been had we not had you come early. And yet all that we got to bring home fits into a tiny pink shoe weighing no more then a few ounces.
Sunday you would have been 1 month old, how much would have weighted? How big would you have been. Would you still love listening to Mommy's voice and holding Daddy's hand while he read you stories? There are so many things I wonder and wish I knew but I won't ever know. I so yern to have you here to have had all those moments with you and been able to watch you learn. Its so stupid, so not fair as I would give anything to change a poopy diaper to stay up all night listening to you cry and scream. All the things I should be complaining about now, and yet all I want is for them to happen. All I want is for a moment is for this not to be real and to wake up and have you there no matter how hard parenting you may have been it would have been, how much I dreaded certain things it all seems so stupid now as I would sacrifice anything for one moment with all of them. I just want to be your mommy again. Yes I know I am you mommy and will forever be as you watch over me in heaven, I just hate being away from you and feel so jipped not having you here like we dreamed.
It doesn't make since why we were so blessed to have you, why Daddy and I were both given such strong desires to have a beautiful baby girl seeming out of no where and then to be blessed to have you, and have you so perfect throughout the pregnancy why our parents, our familys our friends were all so excited for you, why so many near and dear to us were having beautiful babies so close in age to you that you would all be able to grow up together to play together. Why life seemed so perfect the whole time you were hear, why the timing seems so right. Why we waited as unfashioned and non typical that is today, we waited till we were ready, till mommy and daddy found eachother till we got married, and had a house, and had enough money to give you all you ever needed. Why we did everything right while I was pregnant, took it easy, avoided all the things, and took the best possible care of you. Why no drs knew or could tell us anything was wrong with you why everything was so perfect only to end as it did, with you going to heaven with us not having a beautiful baby to bring home to raise to hold and watch grow up.
Was this it? Were we given those desires only to have them all taken 3days after you were welcomed into this world? Was this all a giant mistake, and you should be here and healthy? Did we do or somehow cause this to happen? What ? Will we ever have answers? Could this have been prevented or was it supposed to happen? If this is what was supposed to happen why? I know good can come of this like Rylee donating her organs and saving other babies, and it bringing Daddy and I closer, and bring all those we love closer to us. And I am sure there is other good coming from this, but nothing, nothing in this entire world seems like it could ever be worth the price of our precious baby girl. Rylee was going to be Rylee is our entire world, and the entire world of our familes, she was pefect and innocent why could this supposed to be? And if it wasn't then what on Earth caused it to happen and why can't we know? If we did something to cause it should we be given the reason so it doesn't happen to us again, so we can be Rylee's voice and prevent other babies and family's from this pain? It doesn't make since and I get that not everything will and we won't fully know until we join Rylee in heaven but how on Earth could this have been supposed to happen how much good could possible come from this and how could it ever outweigh the good that was supposed to come from or at least we envisioned coming out of Rylees life good for all that would ever meet her. And if it wasn't supposed to happen, then why on Earth did it, what caused Rylee to form as she did with her arteries unable to make it to day 4 of her precious life. Why did God knit her that way, surely he could have knit her differently, or what did I come in contact with or do while I was pregnant that caused this? Why? I long for whys, even know I know the answers aren't coming I feel like I can't move on from this I can't continue on whatever life has to offer me without knowing why? Am I supposed to have children? or is this all to show me there is something different in store, if so what? nothing seems as important after been given all I thought I was made for, becoming a mother and now what? Am I supposed to keep going, if so what on Earth am I here for, all I thought I was here for has been stripped away and I don't see a purpose in anything else. Please show me what I am supposed to do now.
